I went to bed and slept decently early last night but got texts at 11:13 and again at 1:27 that woke me fully.
He’s gone to bed and asleep now (I think 🤷♀️) and here I am wide awake a full hour after he’s excused himself.
Just got up and made 3 fresh pitchers of tea for the day, unloaded the dishwasher and put it away, and checked the laundry and reset the dryer (it never takes less than 2 cycles to dry)
Not sure what the day ahead holds for me. So going to try to go back to sleep until time to feed animals and fold laundry.
I’m a little ahead of chores this morning, have to go out to feed the animals in a few, but currently I’m sat in my kitchen floor eating 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a mug of milk.
The kitchen floor is my favorite place these days…I can’t tell you why. I like sitting here and eating or reading; it’s a comfortable place for me.
Pb&j’s are a favorite for me too recently, and funnily enough, I really like them with a cup of milk…plain white milk…the beverage I have seen with disdain my entire life I finally embrace in this, my fiftieth trip around the sun
Ive always been willing to drink chocolate, strawberry or honey milk but white milk has always been one that caused my nose to wrinkle and my tummy to instantly turn, it just wasn’t a good thing for me.
Anyway, I’ve bored you enough for the day with my ramblings.
It’s been a quiet morning with much chaos…I did my normal chores and looked for the title certificate for my Land Rover that’s been sitting for 3 years as a guy is buying it to try to fix it back up to running condition. Left water running in kitchen sink and flooded the kitchen and laundry room to the tune of maybe 45 towels, made extra laundry for myself. Pizza for the kids tonight as I have dance class in Montgomery (Greek dance, which I am, by the way, horrible at).
I may stop to see B, the guy I’m seeing, on my way home tonight, may grab dinner while there and head home.
Guy buying the Land Rover is coming after dance to try to disconnect the drive shaft to ready it for towing.
Lots of thoughts bopping around in my head today, friend of mine this morning opened my eyes to my own negative thoughts and behaviors that I need to try to address, I’m grateful when short little phone calls cause me new awareness of self. Funnily enough he was talking about his own behaviors and faults when they clicked in my head.
I’m impatient…my dating situation is actually very good for me, he’s a very very kind man and when I said it wasn’t anything you’d write a love story about…maybe I need to look at what makes a good love story a little differently. I need to learn patience because we live in a world where everyone expects everyone else to be ‘on’ and available 24-7…we’re not supposed to be that way.
For now, I’ll be happy with the gentle hugs and the forehead kisses and all the quiet sweetness that goes with him…as well as all the other things that make our relationship. I will learn patience and appreciate what’s in front of me…and I will be there for him as long as he wants me in his life. Meanwhile, I will learn to enjoy my own company more in the downtimes when he’s not talking, I’ll learn not to worry or assume I know why he’s quiet when he’s quiet, I’ll spend my time constructively and not destructively-mentally, emotionally or otherwise.
My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality.† For if there should come into your assembly a man with gold rings, in fine apparel, and there should also come in a poor man in filthy clothes, and you pay attention to the one wearing the fine clothes and say to him, “You sit here in a good place,” and say to the poor man, “You stand there,” or, “Sit here at my footstool,” have you not shown partiality among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my beloved brethren: Has God not chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?† But you have dishonored the poor man. Do not the rich oppress you and drag you into the courts? Do they not blaspheme that noble name by which you are called? If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you do well;† but if you show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors. (James 2:1-9, OSB)
This came up in my daily readings this week.
Ironically, I started going back to church after my husband died, because I felt I needed the fellowship in my life. I also pursued dance class at the same time, taught by a parishioner of my same church.
I don’t fit in either place it seems, though I was excited and eager to be both places, I don’t quite seem ‘good enough’ in either place. Dance class made me feel inept and the instructor cancelled further leasons after just one, citing lack of interest. He restarted them 3 months later but I didn’t bother because of how the initial experience felt to me.
After church, when people gather for fellowship, I end up mostly sitting alone at a table, most already have their people they talk regularly to…I’m simply not one of them and after several weeks, I still wasn’t any closer to being…and I did try.
I don’t tend to have a negative outlook on life or a victim personality…but I’m feeling a little down with regards to these things.
He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter answered and said, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” Jesus answered and said to him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 16:15-17, OSB)
I think God, and Christ, both allow us to form our own thoughts and beliefs on who he was. He gave ample opportunities to those who surrounded him, both in his intimate space (apostles, close friends, and the women who followed his ministry) and by evidence even enough that even those farther removed saw His miracles or came to understand who he was.
I believe in Him because my heart tells me He is who He says He is. I don’t push others to believe against their will, nor do I hide or have any shame in my beliefs. I know God hardens hearts and opens hearts, ultimately we have to trust that.
I also think, maybe we should ask those around us who we are to them a little more often.
“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men.† (Matthew 5:13, OSB)
Salt is good, but if the salt loses its flavor, how will you season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace with one another.” (Mark 9:50, OSB)
“Salt is good; but if the salt has lost its flavor, how shall it be seasoned?† It is neither fit for the land nor for the dunghill, but men throw it out. He who has ears to hear, let him hear!” (Luke 14:34-35, OSB)
This one I shared many instances because it’s one that definitely stays with me. Funnily enough I was told yesterday during the discussion aimed at me in a quite mean manner, that I was ‘salty’ actually that I was ‘the saltiest’. Mind you, I wasn’t being salty at the time, and yes…I’m capable and am quite salty at times, but I digress.
I am not sure if how I perceive this one is how it’s meant to be seen, and I’m certainly not trying to steer anyone wrong here, but here is how it reads to me.
Don’t lose who you are in trying to fit in in this world, you have a voice, you have a personality, you have convictions about God, life, and humanity. Don’t let the world take who you are away…because it will, at every angle. If you become a duller, weaker version of you, you get lost in the muddled world we live in.
I find I wake slower these days than I used to when I was younger…it’s not a complaint.
There is a peace and relaxation in the rhythm and routine of my mornings, and in the peaceful solitude they offer.
My 2 young adult children are up in their rooms tucked away, and they rarely disrupt that solitude…when they do, it’s a welcome disruption.
I wake slowly, read my orthodox reading for the day and my inspirational text for the day, generally play 2 rounds of solitaire and 5-10 minutes of the monopoly game before getting up to go to the bathroom and pull my hair up to start my day.
My bed isn’t fastidious or a thing of beauty…it’s simple in fact…but making it is one of the very first things I do when I’m up.
I shuffle into the kitchen for coffee, the cats wait outside my door to tell me they’re starving and their water bowls need filled; I of course oblige. I decide on my coffee cup for the day, I have many as I collect them and they match my moods. I set it at the Keurig and proceed to load the dishwasher. I assess the laundry situation and decide there isn’t enough dirty for a load yet. I wash my hand washables and put my coffee on.
My yard is bathed in a beautiful pink glow this morning…it makes me smile as I’m washing the dishes partly because it makes me think of Christ and the way he called (I believe) the Pharisees and scribes hippocrites because they could read the signs with regard to weather but not with regards to God…and partly because the pink is my favorite color right now and this glow seems to soften my whole front yard. I didn’t take a photo because I didn’t need one to remember it, and I didn’t want to physically share it as some things feel like a gift just for me. Once i finish my morning cup of coffee, I’ll grab dog food and a bottle of water and head out to feed chickens and goats and dogs and quail. I lost Vincent, one of my favorite chickens, yesterday. Not sure what happened but it seemed like he got choked/asphyxiated somehow. Burying him was heartbreaking to me. Not sure how the rest of the day will go, lots of little things to do/catch up and will probably spend the afternoon with my daughter either watching tv or walking to the garden area in the rain.
Todays thought isn’t a verse but part of a familiar story:
And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”† So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!” And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”† (Matthew 14:28-31, OSB)
I think what stands out here to me is the human propensity to freak out when things start to get a little rough in life. If you examine it closely, Peter’s doubt wasn’t in Christ’s ability to save him, he had no doubt there, where he doubted was that Christ already had him protected and covered.
We stress a lot in life, it’s easy to be upset on how life is going and even sometimes feel like maybe God doesn’t have out back. But sometimes it’s our own freak outs that cause everything to go south. We don’t hand it to God and trust that he has our back, we pseudo hand it to him and decide he’s not going to help us…for whatever reason.
We need to trust God a little more and our own thoughts a little less.
Puddle Jumping with Pandora's Box 