All posts by A country girl at home

I'm a 46 yr old mother of 4 who wants to share so much with the world but doesn't know where to begin.

Missing him

This blog is going to come out a little bit sloppy; but more than being sloppy, it’s an attempt to get things out of my head and heart, and keep it real.

I lost my husband almost 3 weeks ago, 18 days ago to be exact. I know I still have a long way to go in the grieving process, however, I’m hoping getting my thoughts out here might help someone else, somewhere along the way.

My husband and I weren’t perfect, we weren’t a perfect fit at all times; we were capable of fighting, like cats and dogs, but we were also capable of loving one another like no one‘s business.

Payton was one my best friends,and at the end of the day, I wouldn’t have traded my time with him for anyone else. He saw me for me, and he loved me for me. He never made me feel less than beautiful or loved, he made me feel like the best thing he’s ever had.

Funny thing is, we were…scratch that…I was judged because of when and how I came in to his life this last go round; I was judged by his family, or at least part of them, because he married me almost directly after a divorce. I was seen as his mistress and was told this directly.

What they didn’t see, and what they will never understand, is that I looked for, and loved this man for the better part of 20 years (And by all accounts at his end, he did the same). I was in a bad place many years ago when we met. We were coming out of bad marriages and I was very afraid of the relationship possibilities with him at that point, to say I self-sabotaged the relationship would be putting it mildly. I lived to regret it, and I regret it to this day.

I don’t regret marrying someone I loved with everything in me. I only regret the time I lost with him because of fears caused by other people.

That’s all I know to say for now, I wish you the best.




Everything in life is all about moments,

We have good moments…the day a baby is born…the day we figure out we’re in love…the day we marry…buy a house or car…and on and on.

We also have bad moments…the days we fight…the days when a much anticipated vacation gets yanked away from us…the days our loved ones fall ill and we’re at a loss on how to fix anything…the days we lost those loved ones…this list goes on and on as well.

I’m a newly widowed wife, a heartbroken woman who holds onto and treasures the memories of the good days, but is haunted by the memories of the bad days as well.

I’ve been without him for exactly 5 days, though the last time I know he knew I was there was 11 days ago; we talked about the idea of a DNR before he went in for a stent surgery that never took place. He wasn’t wanting the DNR, and I was trying to explain to him why I felt it necessary.

On Feb 23, just after 1:00 he had an episode that I believe was the beginning of the end for him; his nursing staff had him pushed over on his side to do care to his backside, he made a gut wrenching noise, and when they flipped him back over, what seemed like an eternity later, he was choking on a lung full of biliary fluids and gastric acid. This would be the episode he would not bounce back from. His renal system shut down in short order, and his blood gasses started to go south shortly thereafter.

The hospital scheduled an esophageal stent 3 times prior to this episode, only to not follow through on any of them, the episode preempted a 4th promised stent and even then the explanation given by the surgeon as to why wasn’t even congruent with what he had going on. I know at this point it would have been pointless but the prior promised attempts, would not have been and could have had a chance at saving his life.

His family is angry at me for honoring my husbands wishes; I can’t and wouldn’t take that back. They’re angry for other misconceptions too, but once again, I can’t change their mindset on me, nor would I want to, my mindset on them isn’t dissimilar.

I shall close for now, my regards and well wishes to anyone reading.

The great American resignation of 2021

Or whatever you want to call it…this just happened…

Why has these been a mass exodus of the American workforce this year? How can anyone afford to do such a thing, and why did it occur?

So, firsthand, I quit a nursing job a few weeks ago, not because I could afford to be without work, but because what I was seeing unfold in front of me, wasn’t a place I wanted to be. The staff there, they all mean well and they were all just trying to finish their day, and everything about the place was very much a one day at a time kind of approach…they seemed to know things were broken, yet even when told point blank that my reason for leaving was the brokenness, I was simply told it was a bad time for me to quit, and could I consider staying on a little longer.

No, I could tell you a hundred things that were broken, none of them causing a ‘report-worthy issue’ from a nursing standpoint, but all setting the facility to always be the ‘incessantly needy toddler” that the exiting DON herself described the facility to be. Setting them up to always be stressed- always be short staffed and overwhelmed.

Does it have to be that way? The simple answer is no, but the longer answer is that, more often than not, proactive acts can help lessen the strain on employees, make them feel appreciated, help them feel good about their job, lessen the chances of being understaffed (people who don’t want to come to work call in, people who are always stressed tend to always feel under the weather).

Sometimes it takes sitting down and taking a look at what’s in front of you, and looking for little ways to adjust and overcome little issues. A simple fix on the nursing job I resigned from would removing redundancies in the charting, as you accounted for the same information not 2-3 times but a minimum of 5-6 times per resident/patient over the course of a med pass, and then had to also do an assessment with the same info. ( a for instance, if a patient has a hypertension med, or a heart med, oft times we have to take their pulse and blood pressure before administering, and input these with the medicine indicated, but if they have 3 to 4 blood pressure medicines, all will need to have that information in there, and if you have to hold said meds, then that also must be charted along with once again inputting said b/p reading, not once, but for every medicine affected by that b/p. Then if a patient should have an infection, they need temp monitored, then most might have weekly full vitals that also need input, then you also have a COVID assessment daily, that requires temp and O2 sat. This could easily all be input and made to auto fill into the other places it needs to be, even causing an auto ‘flagging’ alert to all impacted meds, but it’s not the case in this facility, as I’m sure it isn’t with many others. Also this info should have its own time to be gotten, prior to needing to do med passes or anything else, and there should be proper amount of equipment, in well serviced condition, none of these conditions existed), and I spent my nights before work in a constant state of panic and physically very ill, every time I was to go in. I resigned because my health wasn’t worth the paycheck being offered as a trade-off.

Another example, a close relative of mine works for a company, I won’t name drop, but I watch as the employees around this person are always extremely late. I wondered when I first saw it, how on earth an employer could tolerate such a lack of respect from their employees with regard to timeliness, let alone any other factor. As I watched on, I recognized that the employer itself wasn’t respectful of the shifts it set for its employees, and these employees were taking back what they felt was theirs,because an extra hour here or there eventually rolled into an extra day here or there, with nothing extra as a trade off for salaried employees.

In short, I think there are ways to audit your companies, and make them a place people want to work, I don’t think either of the companies I am talking about are beyond repair, but you have to actually care what you’re doing with regard to your employees, because the highest pay grade won’t matter if the work conditions aren’t amicable or respectful to those in your employ.

I have considered myself whether companies would welcome an outside ‘audit’ of their company, and actually take time to understand those in their employ, and how to make it a more productive, less stressful workplace, where there are less people who don’t want to be there, or do the bare minimum to get by, and more who, at the end of the day, feel validated, and valued.I think this would cause less employees to walk away and cost employers less in the long run than they cost themselves by training employees they don’t keep because they do the opposite.

Just my unsolicited two-cents, but an honest opinion.

All the best,


Good Saturday Morning

It is 9:11 am here as I sit to write, I’ve a load of dishes in the dishwasher, a cup of coffee in my hand and another queued for when this one is finished. My sweet husband is asleep after a long night at work. Kids sleeping as well…I’d say just the downstairs cat, Moses and I are up at the moment, however he’s fast asleep at my feet.

E starts online school this week, with Alabama Connections academy, I have to walk through all her on boarding with her between now and Monday. I am hopeful she will enjoy the classes and work diligently to complete her high school career on a positive note….two more years!

I start a new nursing job Tuesday and fly to Texas Friday to get a listing on the market. Real estate has been slow for me here in Alabama, but hoping once I’m established it will improve.

Lots of people I hope to see in Texas, but very short time there. Hopefully all goes well.

Nothing overly exciting here, just much of the day to day and muddling through.


He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” (Matthew 16:15)

Who am I to you? That’s what Christ was asking…and really it was a valid question for Him to ask then, and it’s a valid question for us today, to ask of our relationships around us, with the people in our lives as well as our relationship with God, right down to the relationships we have with ourselves.

We have many many people who dance in and out of our lives, all of our lives. To some I have been a good friend, to others I have been nothing. Some have found me to be abrasive, obnoxious, funny, charming, kind…any number of words could describe me in any given day, in any given moment.

I have had friends who have left my life over something petty…I don’t know what or who I am to them, not anymore. I don’t know if they hold onto fond memories of me or they let the petty moment that broke our relationship/friendship define me. I can’t control how they see me, I’ve made my peace in every way I know how and gone on with my life.

I don’t know how my kids see me most days, am I an ok mom? I would guess from the fact that the only time they verbalize how they feel about me is when they don’t like me so much…maybe I’m not? I’ve done the best I can there, I’ve tried to make their lives memorable, I share wonderful memories with all 4 of them, and God knows I’ve loved them to the best of my ability.

My relationship with God…it’s not perfect, but I think he knows my heart, he knows how I feel, even if my church life isn’t solid. (I’m currently ‘outside’ my church, because I married outside of the church, which isn’t the right way to go in Eastern Orthodoxy, but I hope to eventually right that, as I truly love my faith. I cannot take communion until that time, which believe it or not, makes me sad) I still read my readings, follow my liturgies and my church on social media for now, and I still pray…I don’t like being estranged, as it makes me wonder what Christ would say…right now…to me, we’re I to ask him:

Who do you say that I am?

Goodbye my dear friend

Last week, I lost a friend, yesterday he was laid to rest.

He will be mourned 40 day’s, and remembered/ honored yearly, as is the Greek Orthodox way…but he will be remembered daily by all who knew him.

I knew Yanni almost 13 years, we met when my youngest was 4, she will be 17 in a few short months. In those 13 years, our friendship grew, the past 5-6 years, he confided things in me when life felt it’s worst, I did the same with him. I shared good and bad with him, he shared the same with me.

I will always have memories that stand out, early in the friendship, when we didn’t know one another so well, to the hugs and late night hello’s of the last 3-4 years. I will remember him always, teaching my little ones to say thank you in Greek when he gave them a piece of candy, (they ultimately thought the word meant candy, but they did learn to say it.

He used to tell Emma that there were sharks in the fountain at Zorba’s and she would always run to look for them, every time we came in.

I will miss his hugs goodbye, I will miss the forehead kisses, and the big bear hugs and even yiayia’s cookies and treats as we leave.

If you said it once, you said it a hundred times to your wait staff, give her a cake/dessert/whatever on me…this is my friend.

Last night, I made the mistake of telling a business he helped open years ago, less than 2 years into knowing him, that I felt they should have said something to tel their patrons of his passing, after all this had been his establishment too. They chose to say things that would initially make me feel sad, broken. They told me that he used to hide from me when I came in to their establishment. This upset and hurt me, but I’ve come full circle overnight and realized that this was early in our friendship, when we didn’t know one another, and perhaps my exuberance and excitement for him and his new restaurant was a bit overwhelming. Either way, I choose not to hold on to bitter words from an entity that I knew to speak venom about him when he was alive, much less when he no longer has a voice to answer back.

Ευχαριστώ Ιωάννης, memory eternal my friend, I look forward to those hugs when I see you again, my friend.

Wednesday morning musings

We, as humans, tend to be self important

As I’m doing the dishes/ laundry, talking with my daughter, walking my property, and taking care of my animals this morning, I’m thinking to myself about all I do, why I do it, and whether in fact it would matter if I didn’t do it.

The fact is, I do many things as a matter of routine and convenience for myself and my family. No one makes me do the dishes, or grocery shop, or do laundry…but I like to have a kitchen I can cook in, groceries to cook with, and clean clothes to wear…etc.

Some things I do, are acts of love, helping my husband with getting his stuff away, or getting things he likes, things my kids like, or even taking care of the animals I care about and like to spend time with now and again.

I have spent much of my adult life hearing people (friends, family and strangers alike) complain about the mundane things of day to day, whether anyone else helps, and so on. Truth be told – most days I’m not sure I’d let you help if you tried. I Welcome your company while working, but really I like what I’m doing most days.

One of my favorite bible stories (I have many) is the story of Mary and Martha. I used to read it and think how much I wish I got to be a Mary- but truth be told, I’m not sure it’s in my nature to be a Mary…I would feel inclined to fuss over the Lord were he over for dinner…I’d just want him close enough that I could hear his stories too 🙂

I’ll leave you with that story, for those not familiar: “As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But all the preparations that had to be made distracted Martha. She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’ ‘Martha, Martha’, the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’” Luke 10:38-42 (NIV)

Mental health moment

Just a side note to all, you may have an issue that you see as the same as someone you know because they are generalised with one name.

Depression isn’t the same for everyone, it is not handled or approached the same by everyone, it is not the same degree, it does not have the same impact on everyone. Someone who is outwardly very, very happy/successful/outgoing can be the loneliest and most depressed around you.

Anxiety is not the same for everyone. There is no textbook answer to handle anxiety. No cure all medicine, no ultimate way to help someone through an anxiety attack. Some may prefer that you be there for them, some may get more anxious by trying to continue a conversation. You may have anxiety and think you know what it looks like…but you only know your version, and you can’t define how others see it.

The best you can do is be understanding when someone tells you they are up against something like this. Take it seriously, don’t dismiss and don’t try to make anyone get past whatever they are going through by telling them it’s not real.

This is all I have to share today, have a good one.