Tag Archives: mental health

I’ve taken a few days off from writing.

No real reason, just wasn’t exactly feeling inspired I suppose. I am still reading daily and my routine and life haven’t changed much at all.

It’s wet in my part of Alabama, not raining…at the moment but the wetness from the few days we got still hasn’t abated.

I’m sat in my yard, in my favourite chair, I’ve spent a bit of time with my bare feet on the wet mushy ground, the cold wetness hugging my feet as I ‘ground’ myself. I’m listening to Redbirds chirping and the sound of an extremely distant delivery truck backing up and a dog barking half a mile away. The breeze rustles the dead leaves in the trees above me and the ferns clinging to the branches of the tree to my left, and the hairs on my arm which are stood on end because of the briskness of the air. There is a plane somewhere in the distance, an old bomber by the sounds of it, ambling its way invisibly along the horizon. My chickens have finally decided the hawks overhead are a threat, perhaps…or perhaps someone has simply laid a late afternoon egg and has shared the joy with half my flock…who knows?

It’s February, the month I lost my sweetheart, piece at a time. A year ago today we had chemo at some point, I drove him 5 days a week until the unfortunate surgery that started the torturous week and a half until his death. Can’t tell you anything we talked about, can tell you usually he was drained on way home and slept, can also tell you we often had to stop to take over a public restroom. He wasn’t eating much, if at all by this point. I was sad because it felt like he’d already checked out somewhat. He was trying but I don’t think it was himself he was trying for. I miss him, but I’m sad he went through as much as he did, if it was only on my behalf.

I digress, I am at a loss on what more to write at this time.

Best,

A

When I was 17, I wrote a poem that was published in my high school ’paper’

It was a poem about my biological father. I can only remember snippets of it to this day.

two parts I remember:

‘Tis eighteen years since we last met, I’m only seventeen. I barely know to be my dad; a man I’ve never seen.’

And the end of poem:

‘Would I have been a daddy’s girl, if I had had a dad? Or would you be just like the rest, and make me very sad?’

When I was 36, I finally met the man I’d wanted my whole life to know. The man I’d daydream busting with pride because I was in the army and following his footsteps even without him being there. (He was a green beret, sniper, in Vietnam)

My dad was the ultimate disappointment in life. He was a perverse old man who though he knew about all of his kids (there were at least 5 of us) he took responsibility in life for none of them. Claimed no knowledge, but had photos of all of us when we were babies there in his home.

He died of lung cancer in February when I was 40. His family treated me and my children like a nobody at his funeral because all his other children looked like him. I didn’t favor him in any way. (My grandma used to say I was nobody’s kid, because I looked like nobody I was supposed to look like in her opinion.)

Despite all this, I’m glad I got to know the truth on him, that he wasn’t the man I watched for in all the drill sergeants and instructors I had while I was in the army. He was just as ordinary as any other man, and a purposeful deadbeat at best.

Sorry for the dark and twisty start to the day.

All the best,

A

(Craig, I also wrote about Christ when in elementary…about keeping Christ in Christmas, I think I was 4th or 5th grade. He wasn’t ever allowed to be present much in my schools growing up: atheists will tell you that’s a separation of church and state, I believe it’s just one more way to keep their thumb on believers- but o see it as one more way Christ separates the wheat from the chaff, enough trials like that and the chaff will fall away…the wheat won’t…just my 2 cents)

(Also Craig, per Luke, the Holy Spirit forbade them from preaching in Asia. Maybe there was a reason the Asian churches fell away? (Acts 16:6-7) )

Good morning

It’s quarter after 6, I’ve been awake since right at 3:30, when the little guy I’m dating decided to ‘like’ one of my photos on his phone.

I’ve had my first cup of coffee and unloaded the dishwasher and loaded the dryer. Will start a fresh load of dishes and wash here in a bit, then feed animals and get dressed to go to Prattville farm swap this morning (looking to buy a few more laying hens)

Nothing overly thrilling going on here these days, been working on getting things back in place for my nursing job, and that’s tedious at best. Supposed to possibly be going to Texas the first week of February for a listing…if it doesn’t sell before then. Less than enthused as it’s been sitting on the market for 3 months with no bites and I’m just not sure what I’m up against at this point.

Quail have gotten quite fat and I’m starting to wonder if I may be over-feeding them. I do like going out to visit them and feel compelled to fill their feeder a few times a day (it’s an awful small feeder for 5-6 per cage)chickens have also gotten quite fat lately, they and the opossums really enjoy my kitchen scraps and leftovers.

Goats…also fat 🙃 but I think the girls are pregnant and should be due mid April (around the 13th).

I still miss my husband every day and wish he was still around. I miss feeling loved and like I really matter to another person.

I hope you have a blessed weekend. I’m looking forward to the farm swap this morning and cow roping this afternoon and church tomorrow.

Catch you soon!

A

Good morning (for a few more minutes here anyway)

Been a busy couple of days, but most of it has felt like I’m spinning my wheels more so than getting anything done.

My nursing ‘job’ (freelance site where I can pick up shifts) has given me a large handful of hoops to jump, tomorrow is the second half of my advanced cardiovascular life support class, I’ve done background check and drug test, next is tb test and a handful of immunizations.

My cell phone is broken, the charge port seems to be broken and it doesn’t seem to catch my chargers at all, I am using the wireless charger for now but as much as I use my CarPlay in the vehicles, it bothers me to be without the port.hopefully I can get that fixed today.

My baking efforts have been slightly off lately, (I also have had disinterest in baking lately, so they likely go hand in hand ) my kourabiedes didn’t turn out this week and I messed up my banana bread because I forgot to add sugar.

Bible reading, finished the gospels (man did they feel shorter than I thought they would) and 3 chapters into acts. I like Luke’s writing style, can’t explain why but I do.

Cold snap here has made feeding and watering animals a little more tedious, I’m getting chicken eggs regularly (averaging 3-4 a day at this point) , and getting 5-6 quail eggs a day. this weekend I am going to a farm swap in hopes of buying some more laying hens and pullets.

Looking forward to spring!

Best,

A

Mental health moment

Just a side note to all, you may have an issue that you see as the same as someone you know because they are generalised with one name.

Depression isn’t the same for everyone, it is not handled or approached the same by everyone, it is not the same degree, it does not have the same impact on everyone. Someone who is outwardly very, very happy/successful/outgoing can be the loneliest and most depressed around you.

Anxiety is not the same for everyone. There is no textbook answer to handle anxiety. No cure all medicine, no ultimate way to help someone through an anxiety attack. Some may prefer that you be there for them, some may get more anxious by trying to continue a conversation. You may have anxiety and think you know what it looks like…but you only know your version, and you can’t define how others see it.

The best you can do is be understanding when someone tells you they are up against something like this. Take it seriously, don’t dismiss and don’t try to make anyone get past whatever they are going through by telling them it’s not real.

This is all I have to share today, have a good one.