Tag Archives: loss

I’ve taken a few days off from writing.

No real reason, just wasn’t exactly feeling inspired I suppose. I am still reading daily and my routine and life haven’t changed much at all.

It’s wet in my part of Alabama, not raining…at the moment but the wetness from the few days we got still hasn’t abated.

I’m sat in my yard, in my favourite chair, I’ve spent a bit of time with my bare feet on the wet mushy ground, the cold wetness hugging my feet as I ‘ground’ myself. I’m listening to Redbirds chirping and the sound of an extremely distant delivery truck backing up and a dog barking half a mile away. The breeze rustles the dead leaves in the trees above me and the ferns clinging to the branches of the tree to my left, and the hairs on my arm which are stood on end because of the briskness of the air. There is a plane somewhere in the distance, an old bomber by the sounds of it, ambling its way invisibly along the horizon. My chickens have finally decided the hawks overhead are a threat, perhaps…or perhaps someone has simply laid a late afternoon egg and has shared the joy with half my flock…who knows?

It’s February, the month I lost my sweetheart, piece at a time. A year ago today we had chemo at some point, I drove him 5 days a week until the unfortunate surgery that started the torturous week and a half until his death. Can’t tell you anything we talked about, can tell you usually he was drained on way home and slept, can also tell you we often had to stop to take over a public restroom. He wasn’t eating much, if at all by this point. I was sad because it felt like he’d already checked out somewhat. He was trying but I don’t think it was himself he was trying for. I miss him, but I’m sad he went through as much as he did, if it was only on my behalf.

I digress, I am at a loss on what more to write at this time.

Best,

A

When I was 17, I wrote a poem that was published in my high school ’paper’

It was a poem about my biological father. I can only remember snippets of it to this day.

two parts I remember:

‘Tis eighteen years since we last met, I’m only seventeen. I barely know to be my dad; a man I’ve never seen.’

And the end of poem:

‘Would I have been a daddy’s girl, if I had had a dad? Or would you be just like the rest, and make me very sad?’

When I was 36, I finally met the man I’d wanted my whole life to know. The man I’d daydream busting with pride because I was in the army and following his footsteps even without him being there. (He was a green beret, sniper, in Vietnam)

My dad was the ultimate disappointment in life. He was a perverse old man who though he knew about all of his kids (there were at least 5 of us) he took responsibility in life for none of them. Claimed no knowledge, but had photos of all of us when we were babies there in his home.

He died of lung cancer in February when I was 40. His family treated me and my children like a nobody at his funeral because all his other children looked like him. I didn’t favor him in any way. (My grandma used to say I was nobody’s kid, because I looked like nobody I was supposed to look like in her opinion.)

Despite all this, I’m glad I got to know the truth on him, that he wasn’t the man I watched for in all the drill sergeants and instructors I had while I was in the army. He was just as ordinary as any other man, and a purposeful deadbeat at best.

Sorry for the dark and twisty start to the day.

All the best,

A

(Craig, I also wrote about Christ when in elementary…about keeping Christ in Christmas, I think I was 4th or 5th grade. He wasn’t ever allowed to be present much in my schools growing up: atheists will tell you that’s a separation of church and state, I believe it’s just one more way to keep their thumb on believers- but o see it as one more way Christ separates the wheat from the chaff, enough trials like that and the chaff will fall away…the wheat won’t…just my 2 cents)

(Also Craig, per Luke, the Holy Spirit forbade them from preaching in Asia. Maybe there was a reason the Asian churches fell away? (Acts 16:6-7) )

I haven’t written in a while, have had a lot going on, and a lot of thoughts tumble through my head daily.

I still miss my husband, more than words can express, and I still feel the hospital that had him, killed him. I knew the cancer could take him, but everything in me screams that this wasn’t the cancer. I am talking to lawyers and hoping I can get one who sees enough merit in what I’m telling them to take my case.

Little issues since he’s been gone, lawnmower issues that were above my wheelhouse (and Pay taught me to do a lot on my own) the well went out last week, and the washer quit working this weekend. The cost to replace the well was just over 200, the washer was going to exceed 700 when all was said and done, and the dryer had already been taking 3-4 cycles at an hour each to dry a load; so I opted to scrap (Lulu picked up yesterday) and buy a used set from an appliance store in Prattville. The new washer and dryer will be here today. I will be sad to lose my front loaders, but I guess this is life.

I’ve been working out more, and trying to manage the day to day here. Had some business on the real estate side of things, but sadly have had troubles getting myself to work a nursing shift since Pay’s passing. I am afraid of how I will react when I see a nurse or Aide refuse to take care of a patients needs. My fists clench at the very thought…I’ve seen it a lot in my career and usually am the one to pick the slack up…but for now, I’m afraid of how much it will make me break down.

I’m reading a book called the magic, by Rhonda Byrne…so far I’m enjoying it, it’s about embracing gratitude fully. I needed that in my life right now.

I am thankful for the time that I got with my husband, however brief it was. I am thankful that I’m the one who lost him the way I did because I had loved him a long time and know that if he’d died and I never got to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him or all the other intimacies that come in a marriage again…I would have been crushed much more than I already am, though I would maybe also not have seen all he went through or felt as uptight about those in the medical profession as I do today.

I am thankful for my little home in the country, my son and daughter are more relaxed and different people here than they ever were in Frisco. I an more at peace here and still see Payton in everything around me. Im looking forward to more repairs and making the house more and more a home: Cleaning the barn this fall once the weather is cooler. Im thankful for so many little details, but mostly I’m thankful for all he brought into my life.

I will close for now, I hope you are all blessed. Take care.

~Amanda