I went to bed and slept decently early last night but got texts at 11:13 and again at 1:27 that woke me fully.
He’s gone to bed and asleep now (I think 🤷♀️) and here I am wide awake a full hour after he’s excused himself.
Just got up and made 3 fresh pitchers of tea for the day, unloaded the dishwasher and put it away, and checked the laundry and reset the dryer (it never takes less than 2 cycles to dry)
Not sure what the day ahead holds for me. So going to try to go back to sleep until time to feed animals and fold laundry.
It’s been a quiet morning with much chaos…I did my normal chores and looked for the title certificate for my Land Rover that’s been sitting for 3 years as a guy is buying it to try to fix it back up to running condition. Left water running in kitchen sink and flooded the kitchen and laundry room to the tune of maybe 45 towels, made extra laundry for myself. Pizza for the kids tonight as I have dance class in Montgomery (Greek dance, which I am, by the way, horrible at).
I may stop to see B, the guy I’m seeing, on my way home tonight, may grab dinner while there and head home.
Guy buying the Land Rover is coming after dance to try to disconnect the drive shaft to ready it for towing.
Lots of thoughts bopping around in my head today, friend of mine this morning opened my eyes to my own negative thoughts and behaviors that I need to try to address, I’m grateful when short little phone calls cause me new awareness of self. Funnily enough he was talking about his own behaviors and faults when they clicked in my head.
I’m impatient…my dating situation is actually very good for me, he’s a very very kind man and when I said it wasn’t anything you’d write a love story about…maybe I need to look at what makes a good love story a little differently. I need to learn patience because we live in a world where everyone expects everyone else to be ‘on’ and available 24-7…we’re not supposed to be that way.
For now, I’ll be happy with the gentle hugs and the forehead kisses and all the quiet sweetness that goes with him…as well as all the other things that make our relationship. I will learn patience and appreciate what’s in front of me…and I will be there for him as long as he wants me in his life. Meanwhile, I will learn to enjoy my own company more in the downtimes when he’s not talking, I’ll learn not to worry or assume I know why he’s quiet when he’s quiet, I’ll spend my time constructively and not destructively-mentally, emotionally or otherwise.
My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality.† For if there should come into your assembly a man with gold rings, in fine apparel, and there should also come in a poor man in filthy clothes, and you pay attention to the one wearing the fine clothes and say to him, “You sit here in a good place,” and say to the poor man, “You stand there,” or, “Sit here at my footstool,” have you not shown partiality among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my beloved brethren: Has God not chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?† But you have dishonored the poor man. Do not the rich oppress you and drag you into the courts? Do they not blaspheme that noble name by which you are called? If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you do well;† but if you show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors. (James 2:1-9, OSB)
This came up in my daily readings this week.
Ironically, I started going back to church after my husband died, because I felt I needed the fellowship in my life. I also pursued dance class at the same time, taught by a parishioner of my same church.
I don’t fit in either place it seems, though I was excited and eager to be both places, I don’t quite seem ‘good enough’ in either place. Dance class made me feel inept and the instructor cancelled further leasons after just one, citing lack of interest. He restarted them 3 months later but I didn’t bother because of how the initial experience felt to me.
After church, when people gather for fellowship, I end up mostly sitting alone at a table, most already have their people they talk regularly to…I’m simply not one of them and after several weeks, I still wasn’t any closer to being…and I did try.
I don’t tend to have a negative outlook on life or a victim personality…but I’m feeling a little down with regards to these things.
No real reason, just wasn’t exactly feeling inspired I suppose. I am still reading daily and my routine and life haven’t changed much at all.
It’s wet in my part of Alabama, not raining…at the moment but the wetness from the few days we got still hasn’t abated.
I’m sat in my yard, in my favourite chair, I’ve spent a bit of time with my bare feet on the wet mushy ground, the cold wetness hugging my feet as I ‘ground’ myself. I’m listening to Redbirds chirping and the sound of an extremely distant delivery truck backing up and a dog barking half a mile away. The breeze rustles the dead leaves in the trees above me and the ferns clinging to the branches of the tree to my left, and the hairs on my arm which are stood on end because of the briskness of the air. There is a plane somewhere in the distance, an old bomber by the sounds of it, ambling its way invisibly along the horizon. My chickens have finally decided the hawks overhead are a threat, perhaps…or perhaps someone has simply laid a late afternoon egg and has shared the joy with half my flock…who knows?
It’s February, the month I lost my sweetheart, piece at a time. A year ago today we had chemo at some point, I drove him 5 days a week until the unfortunate surgery that started the torturous week and a half until his death. Can’t tell you anything we talked about, can tell you usually he was drained on way home and slept, can also tell you we often had to stop to take over a public restroom. He wasn’t eating much, if at all by this point. I was sad because it felt like he’d already checked out somewhat. He was trying but I don’t think it was himself he was trying for. I miss him, but I’m sad he went through as much as he did, if it was only on my behalf.
I digress, I am at a loss on what more to write at this time.
I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own. As the Father knows Me, even so I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep. And other sheep I have which are not of this fold; them also I must bring, and they will hear My voice; and there will be one flock and one shepherd.† (John 10:14-16, OSB)
I’ve never had sheep, I’ve only ever had goats and chickens. But I can tell you from experience that getting 2 flocks that are different in nature, be it the age or type of flock or whatever, is a challenge.
I can’t imagine what could have been going through the original flocks (Israel-Jews) head when the concept of a new flock not only being in existence but especially the idea that eventually the 2 flocks would be inevitably one, as they shared one shepherd.
I can tell you that the idea that the sheep know their shepherd isn’t foreign to anyone who owns any type of animals, you learn your animals and what makes them special and how they need to be talked to, what they need to be fed…etc.
I like that Christ spells out a familiarity with his followers in this manner, many may make fun of Christian’s as sheep but to me it’s a slightly different context than they would like you to think of when they shame us as such.
Sheep can be led to slaughter but that’s not what Christ is offering us, he’s offering us to protected by His grace as we go in and out to ‘find pasture’.
He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter answered and said, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” Jesus answered and said to him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 16:15-17, OSB)
I think God, and Christ, both allow us to form our own thoughts and beliefs on who he was. He gave ample opportunities to those who surrounded him, both in his intimate space (apostles, close friends, and the women who followed his ministry) and by evidence even enough that even those farther removed saw His miracles or came to understand who he was.
I believe in Him because my heart tells me He is who He says He is. I don’t push others to believe against their will, nor do I hide or have any shame in my beliefs. I know God hardens hearts and opens hearts, ultimately we have to trust that.
I also think, maybe we should ask those around us who we are to them a little more often.
Wasn’t sure I was going to write this today, been a little out of sorts and tired today.
So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He said to him, “Feed My lambs.”† He said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He said to him, “Tend My sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love Me?” And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.” Jesus said to him, “Feed My sheep. Most assuredly, I say to you, when you were younger, you girded yourself and walked where you wished; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish.”† This He spoke, signifying by what death he would glorify God. And when He had spoken this, He said to him, “Follow Me.” (John 21:15-19, OSB)
This is one of my favorite passages because there’s a story here that means more than just the words on the page: here is the gist-
When Christ asks Peter the first time ‘do you love me?’ If you’re reading the passage in the original Greek…he uses Agape (all encompassing, move heaven and earth kind of love) when Peter answers- he answers him with Filakia (a brotherly, friendship kind of love)
Christ asks again with Agape- Peter answers again with Filakia
Then Christ comes down to Peter’s level and asks him if he loves him-Filakia and Peter, while wearied (I believe with himself ) confirms the Filakia level of love.
I think the biggest lesson to me is that even while he was here among us, he was able to come to us and understand and meet us at our level. (He knows we’re better than we acknowledge or try to be, but he meets us where we are until we understand the concept of moving heaven and earth ourselves with our love for Him.
“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men.† (Matthew 5:13, OSB)
Salt is good, but if the salt loses its flavor, how will you season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace with one another.” (Mark 9:50, OSB)
“Salt is good; but if the salt has lost its flavor, how shall it be seasoned?† It is neither fit for the land nor for the dunghill, but men throw it out. He who has ears to hear, let him hear!” (Luke 14:34-35, OSB)
This one I shared many instances because it’s one that definitely stays with me. Funnily enough I was told yesterday during the discussion aimed at me in a quite mean manner, that I was ‘salty’ actually that I was ‘the saltiest’. Mind you, I wasn’t being salty at the time, and yes…I’m capable and am quite salty at times, but I digress.
I am not sure if how I perceive this one is how it’s meant to be seen, and I’m certainly not trying to steer anyone wrong here, but here is how it reads to me.
Don’t lose who you are in trying to fit in in this world, you have a voice, you have a personality, you have convictions about God, life, and humanity. Don’t let the world take who you are away…because it will, at every angle. If you become a duller, weaker version of you, you get lost in the muddled world we live in.
Puddle Jumping with Pandora's Box 