Everything in life is all about moments,

We have good moments…the day a baby is born…the day we figure out we’re in love…the day we marry…buy a house or car…and on and on.

We also have bad moments…the days we fight…the days when a much anticipated vacation gets yanked away from us…the days our loved ones fall ill and we’re at a loss on how to fix anything…the days we lost those loved ones…this list goes on and on as well.

I’m a newly widowed wife, a heartbroken woman who holds onto and treasures the memories of the good days, but is haunted by the memories of the bad days as well.

I’ve been without him for exactly 5 days, though the last time I know he knew I was there was 11 days ago; we talked about the idea of a DNR before he went in for a stent surgery that never took place. He wasn’t wanting the DNR, and I was trying to explain to him why I felt it necessary.

On Feb 23, just after 1:00 he had an episode that I believe was the beginning of the end for him; his nursing staff had him pushed over on his side to do care to his backside, he made a gut wrenching noise, and when they flipped him back over, what seemed like an eternity later, he was choking on a lung full of biliary fluids and gastric acid. This would be the episode he would not bounce back from. His renal system shut down in short order, and his blood gasses started to go south shortly thereafter.

The hospital scheduled an esophageal stent 3 times prior to this episode, only to not follow through on any of them, the episode preempted a 4th promised stent and even then the explanation given by the surgeon as to why wasn’t even congruent with what he had going on. I know at this point it would have been pointless but the prior promised attempts, would not have been and could have had a chance at saving his life.

His family is angry at me for honoring my husbands wishes; I can’t and wouldn’t take that back. They’re angry for other misconceptions too, but once again, I can’t change their mindset on me, nor would I want to, my mindset on them isn’t dissimilar.

I shall close for now, my regards and well wishes to anyone reading.